October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Today I have another amazing guest blogger today! Since today is October 1st, I thought it would be great to have Jen, from In God's Time...Not Mine, visit us and tell us her amazing story.

Remembering Our Babies The Official Site of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day October 15th

I just want to start with a huge thanks to Bonnie for letting me guest post on her blog. My name is Jen and I am the author of In God's Time...Not Mine.

I wanted to take a few minutes to talk about a topic that is often considered taboo: pregnancy and infant loss.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month; October 15th is actually Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Here are some sobering statistics...

Every year in the United States:

* Approximately 2 million women will experience the loss of a pregnancy

* 154,051 children are born with birth defects

* 27,864 children will die before their first birthday

I unfortunately know these statistics all too well...

My story starts with my first pregnancy. My baby girl was born in August 2006.

Her name was Madelyn Rose and she was born full-term after a very long labor that resulted in a c-section. Everything went from happy to absolutely devastating the moment she was born.

She had very serious birth defects that were the result of a genetic condition called Pfeiffer Syndrome Type II.

She was whisked away to the NICU while I was being sewn up. About 3 hours after her birth and a very negative CAT scan of her brain (she had very little brain tissue), my husband and I made the hardest decision of our lives and removed her from the ventilator. We took her back to our room and held her until she passed away the next morning.

It was a very hard recovery process both mentally and physically and a year later we found out that we were expecting another little one.

Around 7 weeks I started spotting and went into my doctor's office "just to be safe". I had an ultrasound and there was no baby, just a mass of cells.

The wind was knocked out of me and time just blurred together as we started talking about mutant cells, cancer and a D&C. I had my D&C on my husband's 29th birthday and waited anxiously for the results.

They came back in a couple weeks as a Partial Molar Pregnancy where 2 sperm fertilized one egg at the exact same time. It results in 3 sets of genetic material, which is why the cells went crazy. I had to monitor my levels until they went to zero and then we had to wait 6 months from then to try to get pregnant again.

We started trying again for a few months but weren't able to get pregnant and it was starting to take its toll on me. There wasn't anything wrong with either of us and we were still within the normal time frame for the "average" couple to get pregnant but it was so overwhelming.

We started to feel God's call to adopt.

We both always knew that we would adopt, we knew before we got married that adoption would be part of our family plan.

What we didn't know was the timing of when we would adopt.

We thought it would be after we had our biological children, but God had other plans.

In September 2009 we submitted our application to adopt a baby from South Korea. We were open to some minor medical conditions and only 6 months later we saw our handsome son's picture for the first time. B was perfectly healthy but had just recently healed from a broken arm so he was considered to have a special need. We just knew he was our son and, after waiting the obligatory 24 hours, we excitedly accepted the referral.

The next few months were filled with a lot of preparation and paperwork and by early July 2009 we knew we were getting close! Early July was also the time where I started to feel a little off. I wasn't sure what was going on so I took a few pregnancy tests and they came back negative. I was a little late but we were trying to NOT get pregnant per the adoption agencies guidelines. The morning of July 9th I awoke early and couldn't get back to sleep.

I slipped quietly out of the bedroom and took another pregnancy test. I kind of knew something was going on but was COMPLETELY shocked to see a faint 2nd line.

I wish I could say I was overjoyed but my first reaction was fear. We weren't supposed to get pregnant while in process and our son wasn't home yet; I was worried they wouldn't let us adopt him.

I ran downstairs and called my mom in tears.

She was overjoyed and I remember telling her that I suspected we would get our long awaited travel call that day. I woke my husband up at that point and told him our news. He was still home at 9:30am when our phone rang and it was our social worker telling us our son would be escorted home to us in 3 days!

B came home on July 10th and our son, Ry, was born March 8th. They are a little over 18 months apart but arrived into our family only 8 months apart.

It has been a wonderfully busy time and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

My two little boys are my world and I love them both so much.

For those who may be curious, I feel exactly the same about both boys regardless of how they became mine!

When Ry was about a year old we decided to start trying to have another baby. I found out I was pregnant in July and immediately went to my OB to monitor my blood levels. They were good for a week and then just slowed down. I went in for an ultrasound and prayed for the best. It was almost surreal being back in that same room where we received the bad news about the molar pregnancy.

The u/s tech started the exam and knew right away that something wasn't right. I should have been 6 weeks along and all she could see was an empty sac measuring 5 weeks, 2 days.

Hoping for the best but honestly expecting the worst, I went home and waited.

Four long days went by before I went back in for another ultrasound. It feels like I sat in that waiting room for 2 hours but it was probably only 5 minutes.

Finally got called back, gowned up and laid down. Anxiously waiting for the results, praying repeatedly "Please God, please just let everything be ok.

Please perform a miracle; please let my baby be ok!"

It wasn't.

Nothing had changed and my D&C was scheduled for the next day. In my heart I just knew that the baby was a girl and my doctor confirmed that at my follow up appointment. She was healthy, genetically speaking, so I will never know why I lost her.

Even today, my heart hurts for my 3 precious lost treasures: my precious Madelyn Rose, for the pregnancy that never was and for the baby girl who will never get to be born or grow up.

When we started this journey to parenthood, I never realized how hard it would be.

I knew women had miscarriages but I just didn't think it would happen to me.

I have lost 3 babies but I cannot wallow in the past.

I am choosing, instead, to focus on the future and on the family I have.

If I never have any more children, I will be happy with my two boys.

That being said, I do hope/pray that God will bless us again with a healthy pregnancy and baby.

I also hope that God will bring us another little one through adoption as well.

My plan sounds good but, as I have learned, it isn't up to me!

It's all in God's Time...Not Mine!